Redefine midlife is the starting of adult challenges

People in their twenties can play at life and make a few mistakes and recoup, but it is at ones peril to walk away from a long term marriage only to find boredom, unhappiness is just part of the human condition along with joy, kindness, and self sacrifice. But if you are old, and you just change partners it will be all better. So what if your partner doesn’t want what you want, and what does that mean anyway?

A lady in her early 40s was telling me on her work life problems. She has a busy job, four kids, and a husband who travels a lot for his own work. She suddenly stopped, recalling a latest, horrible dream: She’s on one of those moving paths, and can’t move. Passing by on either side are scenes of herself, but living different lives with unknown person. All of a sudden, she recognizes the Grim Reaper standing at the end of the path, arms outspread, awaiting her.

I think sadness does rise among some people while the new conflicts and needs converge with a second psychological shift: Old emotional defenses, rationalizations and self-deceptions from your childhood and adolescence, as well as from your adult decisions, begin to erode and crumble under their own weight. They no longer work so well as you age.

One reason that occurs is as we always know the truth inside, and truth always keeps trying to rise to the surface. We may have remained unconscious about old conflicts – and puzzle over repetitive patterns or underlying unhappiness – but the pull towards resolving them is a strong developmental need. It tends to blossom more fully as you become older. In fact, the current economic meltdown has intensified that pull, out of necessity. In that sense it may prove to be a blessing in disguise for many people; an aid to redirecting their life choices in more fulfilling ways.

Sadly, though, some do descend into that “death spiral” of despair and resignation. That can segue into sadness, from mild to severe. Suicide attempts may occur, as the investigate found. An example of downward drift is a man who realized that he never really liked his career, felt underutilized and unfulfilled; and then was let go by his company. At the same time, he was going through a divorce. He asked me a tearful question in our first meeting that sounded like a Zen koan: “How do you start over when you can’t start over?”

Many people are better able to move through this period with greater clarity and hopefulness. This may account for some of the other data, about an upswing of happiness during one’s 50s. In reality, investigate shows that older people show greater brainpower, increased judgment, perspective and wisdom when solving problems. In addition, those with a sense of humor tend to live longer. These qualities can enable one to feel gratitude  and appreciation for what one has in life. That can enhance overall well-being and positive energy, as distinguished from day-to-day fluctuations in “happiness.”

But I believe there’s also a darker reason for the reported rise of happiness among some: masked resignation and accommodation. Some people more or less give up trying to grow or change. They decide, consciously or unconsciously, to lope along in the life they’ve been living and then define that as “happiness.”

I’ve worked with many such “happy” people: A lady who feared what changes she might have to make in her life to feel more alive, more vital – until one day she discovered her husband had been conducting an affair for several years, and her world crumbled. Or the man who had become more withdrawn at home, burying himself in job, alcohol and Internet chat rooms with the silent agreement of his wife. Meanwhile, he gained weight and developed high blood pressure. When he consulted me, he said that whenever he had tried to “break free,” he reverted back to his “old ways,” so he had decided to just stop trying.

But more positively, I’m seeing a growing number of people who grapple with their “midlife” challenges right from the start. They do some self-examination and work towards creating clearer purpose and more integration within their lives. That can open up a sense of renewal and positive resiliency.

Maybe a time will come while people choose a marriage partner on the basis of raising healthy children in a stable environment, and then later seek a different partner with whom one feels a greater romantic, soul mate connection. But for now, you can face whether the two of you can rebuild the kind of relationship that you both want. Get the help of a good couples therapist if necessary. But if you decide it’s better to end it, do it now, with mutual respect.

The result, at this point, is that the majority of people are competent of self-directing their lives during the adult time. What you experience isn’t some relentless course that just happens to you. It’s the effect of how you manage the changes within your spirit; how you deal with the new possibilities that lie ahead.

But there is a question that how in the world can we help clients end a marriage with mutual respect if one person wants out and the other person doesn’t? I see that situation with over 40 and especially over 50 couples far more often than cases where each spouse feels roughly the same about the condition of the marriage.