I try to reflect on how I sound when I talk to people especially my family, and I'm often not pleased with myself. The thought of recording such interactions is truly frightening, but likely also very enlightening.
A few days ago, I was editing together some video footage for a home film and was amazed to find how angry, negative, and just simple mean I sounded while discussion to my partner. I remember most of communicating that was filmed but not any of the emotions I was quite clearly projecting. In one part, my wife was trying out a tripod and having difficulty figuring out how to use it rightly. "You're holding it wrong," I snapped sharply. "That's not right at all!" "It's working for me," she answered, somewhat taken aback.
Watching this was a humbling experience, to say the least. As a Buddhist, I strive to be tolerant, optimistic, and kind, and was hurt to see how far from exhibiting those qualities I was. Ironically, I’d been wondering why my wife and I seemed not to be enjoying one another’s company as much recently. The video gave me the answer. The cause was me.
Watching it taught me three things:
1. Whatever the content of the things we say, it's our tone that communicates what we're feeling when we say them. Our tone tells the truth even while our words don't, even while we're ignorant of that truth ourselves. And it's our tone to which others respond. We can even say "I love you" in a way that provokes bitterness and then innocently argue we're being unfairly attacked while the person to whom we've said it quite rightly responds to our tone rather than our words. Don't be fooled by this kind of faux denial from others. What you think you hear in another person's tone is almost always present. And if someone accuses you of an attitude or feeling you don't think you have, unless they're particularly thick or have some hidden agenda, what they have to say likely represents something you need to hear.
2. We're often unaware of tensions and attitudes brewing underneath the surface. When others respond to us negatively or in ways other than what we want or expect, rather than criticizing or attacking them, we might pause to reflect on how our tone may have caused the reaction we received. For me, this is far easier said than done.
3. Because my ability to identify my underlying mood is less honed than I previously thought. I think many of us have difficulty observing our feelings when we're in the middle of feeling them especially if what we're feeling runs counter to what we want to be feeling or what we think we should be feeling.
One reason I practice Nichiren Buddhism is to recognize my own negativity and transform it. And it works one way or another, bit by bit, epiphanies have come, enabling me gradually to shape myself into the person I want to be. But a few relationships give a more ready proving ground than others for unmasking the parts of us that need to change. A principle of Nichiren Buddhism teaches the oneness of life and its environment, which from one perspective means all our relationships represent mirrors. If we don't like what we see what's coming at us from another person, it often represents what's coming at them from us, delivered by our tone. In my experience, those to whom we feel closest and love the most generally represent our best opportunities to see ourselves as we really are.
I've had the chance to watch myself on video before as a medical student when I was first learning to obtain medical histories from standardized sufferers, and it taught me a lot about how I appeared to sufferers. It made me a better doctor. Catching myself on video interacting with my wife and friends, however, has provided me the unexpected opportunity to make me a better human being. It turns out that I've been frustrated with a particular situation I've been feeling somewhat powerless to affect and watching the video showed me that I've been taking out that frustration on those closest to me. So I've decided to apologize to them by making a determination to stop expressing my frustration inappropriately and become more aware of the tone I use while I speak.
If you haven't ever watched yourself interrelate with others in your everyday life on video while you weren't concentrated on being filmed or even aware of it, I greatly recommend it. It might be a miserable experience as mine was, but if you're eager to be truthful with yourself and recognize the reality of what you see and more importantly the truth of what you hear, you can use it as a springboard for excellent individual growth.
As I think, when we get irritated or frustrated, sometimes we know is that We have a twisty feeling in our gut, and sometimes we want to cry. If we pay attention we can feel our brow is tense. Sometimes though, we are stomping around being impatient and short with people before we realize we are doing it, and then we have to sit and take stock about what it is we are feeling. Hopefully we can do this while still alone.
Copyright by Lucy, a beautiful girl who likes swimming, shopping online and has a shop with cheap coach purses and fashion things.
没有评论:
发表评论